Friday, 14 November 2008

The night before happily married life…

He wore a white, feather-rimmed cowboy hat; a neon flashing “stag” badge pinned to his shirt. She wore a sash – “Almost a Virgin” – and drank her wine with a straw, phallic attachment included.

They were a cute couple. They went together like sweet and sour, peanut butter and jelly.

But, hold up, was this joint get-together (aka “sten” do) really a “traditional” night-before-the-wedding bash? Isn’t the whole point of a hen or stag party to go “wild”? I mean this is the last chance before a life of holy matrimony, domesticity, and early bedtimes.

I personally have not attended a stag do, but I hear it’s common for the groom to end up naked, chained to a lamp post with his eyebrows shaved – and this after a night of debauchery in some Eastern European town selling cheap beer. I suppose the iconic example is the Visa card advertisement where a man finds himself dirty, naked – bar a pair of socks and Visa card – in the middle of a desert and running late for his wedding. That must have been one hell of a stag do (and weren’t his friends nice leaving the Visa card).

Alternately, hen’s parties, by degrees, are tamer affairs. However, that hasn’t stopped any consummate bridesmaid from pulling out all the stops – hideous pink tutus; white old lady night dresses; veils and so on.

The most memorable hens party I went to, the bride was surprised (possibly horrified) by the VIP guest – a very short, though buff, man with funny teeth dressed in a sailor suit. We soon came to learn, as he attempted pelvic thrusts and various hip grinding moves on the bride’s friends, that he also wore a g-string (white). Though, this was promptly removed. The bride spent 15 minutes in the toilet sanitising her hands.

Later that night, she was supplied with a lethal looking black leather whip. For future wannabe hen party-goers – not a good idea; the large, angry red welt on my arm the next morning was tantamount to that.

So, the question is, how did the “sten” do go? Well, there were no dodgy shenanigans, no uniforms, no bondage, and no “extracurricular” activities. There was the customary question and answer – should we be worried if neither the bride nor the groom knows the answers to questions like: what is your partner’s favourite colour? Favourite movie? Prefer you to wear? (I’m sure that is a trick question). But I’m also sure both sets of parents-in-law would be much relieved.

Plus, having won a substantial amount of money on the dog races, that could only be a good sign of things to come for the couple. And the groom’s eyebrows stayed intact.

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